im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
