Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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