Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
soo... how was my night?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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