Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
