Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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