She said her name was "party"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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