The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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