I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
