I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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