i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
