So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
