Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
