I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Randomize
