Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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