The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
