That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
