This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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