he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
