i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
