around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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