Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
