I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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