She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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