If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
