clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
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So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
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I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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