Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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