nut hugger
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
