We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
