Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
