I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
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Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
