Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Ladies don't puke and tell
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
