So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
