he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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