dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
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I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
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he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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