okay pat passed out under dana's car
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so let's talk penis.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
