I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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