How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
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