dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
