Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
