the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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