you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
