Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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