when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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