I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
