When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Houston, we have a squirter
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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