I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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