Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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