She is in my trunk
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
