plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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