I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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