stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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