You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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