Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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