I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
