i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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