i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
