??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
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